Wednesday, 17 November

Something terrible has happened. 

Yesterday afternoon I found myself in such a dreadful state that I was compelled to visit Elmfield House once again. I didn’t need to knock the door to know that Leonard wasn’t there. The curtain in the front window was moved aside and when I peered through the gap I could see that most of the furniture was missing, the plants had been taken out of the window and every last book had been removed from the shelves. I found fliers for student club nights stuffed into the letterbox and Leonard would certainly have removed them if he was there. Even the dogs in the neighbouring garden didn’t bark as usual when I walked up the path. They just sat mournfully by the back door of their house and watched me pass by. 

And so it seems that I am orphaned. 

The sadness inside me this morning is unbearable. I have committed the ultimate betrayal and as a result I have lost a father and a lover and neither of them can ever be replaced. I miss Luke so much more than anyone that I have lost in my entire life, even Daniel. Last night I lay awake in bed and prayed that Luke will contact me and this morning I awoke with a pain in my chest as though my heart has become a heavy stone. It’s a real ache. My heart actually ACHES. And I cry each time I think about him, each time I wonder whether he misses me too. I check my emails obsessively and I have sent several messages to Luke’s email account, but I receive nothing in return. I wonder whether he does not want to see me or whether he is being prevented from seeing me. We have only encountered each other outside Elmfield House on one occasion, so I hope that he can find a way to contact me now that our regular meeting place has been abandoned. The thought that I will have to find someone else to share this special relationship with does not bear thinking about and I am determined not to alleviate the symptoms using alternative means, however I am afraid that my suffering will continue to intensify until I can provide my body with the nourishment that it craves. Surely Luke cannot abandon me knowing that I would have to consume the hearts of at least fifty men to satisfy one drop of his devotive cure.

Please Luke, I can't do this without you. I am hurting - emotionally and physically. I need you to help me. I need you to revive me. I need you to keep me safe. And I need you to know that I believe in you, I believe in myself and I believe in this dark creature that is stirring inside me.