Sunday, 28 November

Several weeks have passed since I last saw Leonard. I miss him terribly and I still cling to the hope that we might resume our partnership once again, but I am also increasingly optimistic about my future without him. This new-found confidence has been prompted by an encounter that I had earlier this week. I was walking through the crowds of shoppers in the centre of town on Thursday morning when I caught sight of a tall figure that resembled Luke. Although I didn’t see his face clearly, I was filled with a reassuring sense of recognition, similar in some respects to the feelings of familiarity experienced when in close proximity to family members or very dear friends. It was a primal awareness of one’s one kin, a little, I expect, like a baby identifying her mother from her smell or tone of voice. I realise now that Luke has not abandoned me and he continues to watch over me and this comforting thought has served to strengthen me sufficiently to make a number of important decisions that will make our separation easy to bear.

The first decision that I have made is that I cannot mourn Leonard forever and I must learn to stand on my own two feet. I am gradually making peace with the torments and horrors that continue to hound me and I realise that these are the necessary birth-pangs for a greater physical and spiritual state that is to come. The innocent and naive girl that I was almost a year ago is no longer with us and I must break out from the chrysalis stage of my education and learn to embrace the skills that I have acquired and use them to my full advantage. I am very thankful for the benefits that Leonard’s teachings have brought into my life; for instance, a regular income is assured by the charm that I keep in my purse and I have received a number of small cash windfalls, I recover from illnesses quickly and injuries heal noticeably faster than ever before, I find it easy to attract friends and ensure their undying loyalty and men are easy to ensnare (some men instantly declare their love without hesitation and I have found it necessary to compile a catalogue of callous rebuttals and excuses involving work commitments or family emergencies in order to counter any unwanted advances). If the techniques in The Omega Course are studied and executed correctly then the possibilities are endless...

I am also indebted to Luke for the physical changes that he has brought about within me. I am thankful that my senses have developed so keenly that I can hear the processor whirring inside my laptop as I write and my synesthesia allows me to feel the texture of the objects around me by simply looking at them. I still catch myself obsessing over hair, flames and the squeaky rear windows of wet cars! I have accepted that the fluctuations in my physical and psychological condition are not always pleasant and a number of distressing ailments will continue to upset my daily routine, but these are unavoidable complications in my life now and I am learning to live at peace with the pains that cripple me, the eyes that follow me, the voices that question me and the sharp hands that scratch at me. I know that I am watched, but am I hunted or guarded? And by whom?

The second decision is this; I have decided that this will be my last blog post. There is little else that I can share with you, my dear reader, since I doubt that I will ever return to my lessons at Elmfield House. I am sorry that I have only granted you brief glimpses into my weird and wonderful education and I have been deliberately vague about the skills that I have acquired. I have left a hint here and a suggestion there, but nothing too revealing. I am respectful of the warnings of the divine spirits and I do not wish to suffer the wrath of the gods, so I must abide by the strict laws of secrecy that have been imposed upon the generations of magicians that have gone before me. Luke has also warned against having a loose tongue because he says that salvation must be offered only to the worthy and the ears of the sinful must remain closed. He believes that humanity is inclined towards selfishness and greed, it has ‘an insatiable desire to devour all the knowledge in the universe’ and it believes that it is entitled to learn every secret that the gods possess. He says that humanity is ‘desperate to clamber up the tree of knowledge to bag the biggest and juiciest apple in order to preserve its pitiful life for just a few seconds longer’. I must confess that I sympathise with his general contempt for humanity because once in a while the flame of Sekhmet ignites within me and I consider you to be the greediest and foulest creatures to walk upon the earth. I would not allow you to breathe the air, drink the water or reproduce let alone grant you permission to this knowledge and I could quite happily dispense with our civilised arrangements and gorge myself on that tiny, black spark that resides in your hearts. Life would be much simpler for me and there would be no guilt and no regrets. Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz, as they say. I really couldn’t give a damn about any one of you.

I have successfully quelled these fires until now but I must fight this battle every day. I fear that the temptation consumes Luke more often than he will admit to and he is not entirely dependent upon me to satisfy his needs. I try not to think about it. But I realise that, as time progresses and if my endeavours are successful, then I may well be tempted in the same way and I already feel the pull of these desires on my heart. Some days I feel like the most superior and compassionate human being that walks in the light, while other days I feel like the most depraved and vilest animal that hides in the shadows. But I must not submit to my temptations and I am determined not to become the monster that history would have you believe that we are, so it is with this resolution in mind that I will try to act as compassionately as possible (no matter how cruelly my resolve will be tested) and I will embrace the path of the divine spirits and assist with spreading the message of salvation to humanity by passing these teachings to another Leonard, another Luke, another Helen. It is my turn to become the teacher, the blood-bearer and the saviour, therefore I must offer my reader an opportunity in the same way that Leonard has offered an opportunity to Luke and Luke has offered the same opportunity to me. I, like Jesus, intend to ‘cast fire upon the world and watch over it as it burns’. Only I, unlike Jesus, will not allow my true methods to be swept away with time or buried beneath the greed of men.

I have thought carefully about how I will disseminate these teachings amongst you and as a result I have spent this last week assembling my writings into a coherent collection and I present this blog to you, my anonymous reader, as my own edition of The Omega Course for your entertainment and education. I am sorry that I am not skilled enough to produce a lavish volume like the one that Leonard has carefully crafted for me, but I am honoured to bring these teachings into the modern age and to spread the message via modern mediums of mass communication. To many of you this blog will simply be a collection of mad ramblings, for some it will be an instruction-manual-cum-treasure-map directing you towards what will prove to be a frustrating enterprise, but for some of you it will completely change - or even save - your life. I will watch from my future vantage-point with great interest as you stumble like lost children down the dark alleyways that I have laid out before you. And who knows, I might even be one of the monsters waiting for you in the dark. Right now I am sitting at my laptop keyboard feeling for all the world like the seductive serpent wrapped around the trunk of that old tree at the bottom of your garden, offering up the largest and most succulent apple that humanity is desperate to gorge itself on. The truth will remain hidden in plain sight for only the most deserving of readers to discover and hopefully some of you may even follow in my footsteps and join those of us who enjoy the guarantee of eternal life. Unto you is given the mystery of the kingdom of the gods. It is a special union that binds us together stronger than life itself and only we can choose who shares in it. So pay no attention to the priest when he insists that you take the bread and wine because you may just as well eat mud and milk. That is NOT the true communion and it will NOT bring you salvation because eternal life is NOT for everyone. It is only for the chosen few. And this is why we choose carefully.

I know of three great men who have been selected by this great and holy generation and who have proven themselves to be exceptional teachers. The first is the celebrity immortal who succeeded in securing divinity and fame in equal measure. He spoke the truth when he said that eternal life could be found through him, but the world became infatuated with the man and ignored his message. My second teacher is arrogance and ego personified, my Beloved one, my lavacrum sanguinis and I am bound to him for as long as I shall walk upon the earth. My third teacher is a fascinating and gentle man, an exceptionally talented craftsman and an ‘irrepressible, unbiddable, devious, rarely deferential, solitary’. No doubt he is probably out there right now, evangelising to the unprepared. If he had not been so desperate to save me then I would have let him thoroughly corrupt me and I would have been truly honoured to sustain his beating heart, if only for a second longer. I realise now that his final word to me - ‘sorry’ - is not an expression of disappointment but it is an apology. He is not angry with me; on the contrary it is an expression of guilt because he knows that I have been drawn into a process from which I cannot turn back. He has moulded Luke into his perfect image in the same way, I expect, that he was once moulded by other hands and Luke will mould me into his own image in the same way. And so the cycle will continue. 

There are some questions that cannot be answered by reading books or engaging in academic discourse but only through direct and personal experimentation and I have been keen to commit my life, my work, my body and even my sanity to these experimentations over the last few months. The desire to use my newly acquired knowledge and skills to gain power and authority is all-consuming and human nature compels us to test our boundaries in that respect. However there is another temptation that I am finding increasingly difficult to resist. This particular experiment requires an enormous degree of trust, commitment and self-sacrifice and the risk is monumental, but the curiosity that is hounding me to test it is overwhelming and I must confess that, although I have resisted the temptation until now, it has stirred within me a sickly inclination that I am finding impossible to ignore. 

I am the apprentice of two great teachers and my experimentations to date leave me in no doubt as to my equal abilities. I have read every word and performed every ritual in The Omega Course and I believe that my authority has been proven, my name has been heard and I have gained the obedient compliance of the demonic, the dead and the divine to act at my immediate behest. Luke has helped me to attain the perfect physical state in preparation for this final transformation and Leonard has instilled within me the knowledge and the self-belief that will carry me triumphantly over the obstacles that lie ahead. They have equipped me to stand alone and survive, to grow without fear, to learn without entertaining madness and to strengthen myself without being appalled. And now I realise that I have not been orphaned but I have been entrusted with my own growth and development. I have been kicked out of the nest to see if I can fly. I am alone in my Gethsemane but Luke has not abandoned me: he has simply placed me on my cross and he is watching from a safe distance. 

And so I find myself either at the beginning or the end of a very exciting adventure. Tonight, on the 13th day of Tybi, I shall seek out a great height amongst the Christmas lights of the city centre from which I will cast myself down. I will do this with the words of my beloved teachers in my heart and with the firm assurance that the powers will obey me and I will be borne up and restored to the fullness of life. This is the purpose for which Leonard has selected me and this is the path that he and Luke have chosen for me. My soul will be freed from my body for a transitory moment and I will become a powerful biaiothanatos, then my soul will disentangle itself from the constraints of death and the natural order of things, the spirits will hear my cries and I will be born anew into a timeless existence on this earth. I know that I am ready to take this next step and undergo this transformation because the river of the gold of Kings runs through me, the angels of might obey me and I possess the true faith; not blind faith in romantic fairytales written by hopeless dreamers or the misguided or the oppressed, but the supreme faith that I hold in my own abilities, my own knowledge and my own authority. The spirits will restore my newly immortal soul to my present body and Luke will deliver me into my new life. He will be my vulning saviour, my first Breath of Life. He will be the angel that waits in my tomb. And I will become as he is now; the student shall become the teacher and the hunted shall become the hunter. My soul will be gilded, my eyes will burn with a new fire, my skin will become burnished gold and my hair will be the solar mane of a daughter of Ra. ANOCH ABERAMENTHO SACHMOUNE MELCHIZEDEK MENCHTHOTH. 

If the gods and powers do not obey me and the second temptation is false, then I hope that my reader, my family and my friends will understand why I was led to this unavoidable decision. However, should I come to reread these words again then I will know, with absolute certainty, that men can be gods.

La Noche Oscura Del Alma

Sunday, 21 November

I have spent most of today in bed, just feeling nauseous, aching inside and out and listening to my heart beating with a slow and heavy thump. Thump. Thump. The very second that I opened my eyes this morning I saw that the room was spinning around me and when I ran my tongue along my gums I could taste blood in my mouth. I sat up very carefully but my balance was shot to hell and my chest was extremely tight as though my ribcage had been pushed into the centre of my chest. I took a deep breath and as I stretched I felt each individual rib crack back into place. Thankfully my breathing returned to normal quite quickly but I began to cough so hard that my nose streamed with blood-stained mucus. 

I climbed out of bed and had to practically crawl on my hands and knees into the bathroom to run a hot bath in order to purify myself and raise my body temperature for the hundredth time this week (Luke was right when he warned that anyone who bathes in the knowledge of Tehuti will eventually find themselves satiating their desires with his waters). Once inside the bathroom I braced myself against the sink and stared into the mirror for a good five minutes or so, studying the unfamiliar face that was staring back at me. My eyes were red and sore, my breathing was laboured and my movements were disconnected from my reflection. I am unrecognisable, even to myself. 

Although early mornings are without doubt the worst part of the day, nighttimes are also proving difficult to bear. My pillow is as hard as haematite and no matter how frequently I wash and change my sheets they constantly reek of damp and musty peat. I lie in bed for hours and try to fall asleep but I am painfully aware that my teeth are bulky and cumbersome like large rocks in my mouth, I have a dull toothache in my incisors (it’s a tickly vibration as though a small electrical current is being passed through them, which is not entirely disagreeable but it’s a toothache nonetheless), my legs and forearms feel abnormally long and my bones seem to thin at the joints to the extent that it is uncomfortable to lie with my knees together. When I close my eyes the room spins in a downwards spiralling motion and every so often the bed jolts so violently that it shakes me instantly awake. They will not let me sleep and no matter how much salt and water I scatter around the room at night I can feel them sat on the floor beside the bed, watching me and tapping the furniture and making strange whistling-blowing noises. They leave pennies on my cabinet which makes me think that they are mocking me and I have to pull the sheets tightly over my head because I hate the buzzing noise that fills my ears when they lean over the bed. At first I thought that they would hurt me, but now that I am vulnerable and exposed to them I wonder whether they are simply trying to protect me. Either way, there is really no need for them to make such a commotion.

I wake in the morning with the aches and pains that I have described above and the symptoms diminish throughout the course of the day, but most often the thick mucus remains in my nose and throat and I can barely speak for a persistent ‘gurgling’ sound in my chest. I realise that there are medicines and remedies that can control these physical symptoms and Luke has drummed into me the names of the concoction of tablets that he takes to make his daily life more bearable - antispasmodic drugs to calm the soft tissues of the body and to assist with the digestion of food, carotenoid capsules to help with light absorption and sight issues, antihistamines to guard against allergic reactions and all manner of dried herbs in capsule form for his various other ailments - but I have not been dependent on a substance in my entire life (not even nicotine or caffeine) and I am not willing to start now.

This morning I sat alone in my bedroom and I took a self-portrait with my digital camera. The light was poor and the angle was not flattering (I could hear Leonard’s voice insisting that I raised the blinds to allow some natural light to come into the room) but the resulting picture was beyond shocking. The whites of my eyes look dark and reptilian and the skin on my face is so transparent that I can see a network of blue veins beneath the surface of my skin. I should send the photograph to Luke entitled ‘The White Portrait’ - the final piece for the portfolio from his coniunctio queen - to show him what a foul and monstrous creature I have become.

There is so much that I have not told you, my devoted reader, but I am glad that I made the decision to start writing this blog because if the worst is to happen then it will stand as a record of what has taken place over this last year. Aside from the fact that I do not know what will become of me, it is essential that you read these posts and believe; believe in yourself, believe in each other and, most importantly, believe in gods and monsters in equal measure because there is only a whisper of breath between the two.


Wednesday, 17 November

Something terrible has happened. 

Yesterday afternoon I found myself in such a dreadful state that I was compelled to visit Elmfield House once again. I didn’t need to knock the door to know that Leonard wasn’t there. The curtain in the front window was moved aside and when I peered through the gap I could see that most of the furniture was missing, the plants had been taken out of the window and every last book had been removed from the shelves. I found fliers for student club nights stuffed into the letterbox and Leonard would certainly have removed them if he was there. Even the dogs in the neighbouring garden didn’t bark as usual when I walked up the path. They just sat mournfully by the back door of their house and watched me pass by. 

And so it seems that I am orphaned. 

The sadness inside me this morning is unbearable. I have committed the ultimate betrayal and as a result I have lost a father and a lover and neither of them can ever be replaced. I miss Luke so much more than anyone that I have lost in my entire life, even Daniel. Last night I lay awake in bed and prayed that Luke will contact me and this morning I awoke with a pain in my chest as though my heart has become a heavy stone. It’s a real ache. My heart actually ACHES. And I cry each time I think about him, each time I wonder whether he misses me too. I check my emails obsessively and I have sent several messages to Luke’s email account, but I receive nothing in return. I wonder whether he does not want to see me or whether he is being prevented from seeing me. We have only encountered each other outside Elmfield House on one occasion, so I hope that he can find a way to contact me now that our regular meeting place has been abandoned. The thought that I will have to find someone else to share this special relationship with does not bear thinking about and I am determined not to alleviate the symptoms using alternative means, however I am afraid that my suffering will continue to intensify until I can provide my body with the nourishment that it craves. Surely Luke cannot abandon me knowing that I would have to consume the hearts of at least fifty men to satisfy one drop of his devotive cure.

Please Luke, I can't do this without you. I am hurting - emotionally and physically. I need you to help me. I need you to revive me. I need you to keep me safe. And I need you to know that I believe in you, I believe in myself and I believe in this dark creature that is stirring inside me.

Patience, when the heart is breaking

Friday, 12 November

There is still no word from Leonard or Luke. Or from Alex, for that matter. But, although our separation is quite literally killing me, I realise that I must be patient and endure exile for a little longer.

I am still waiting for Leonard to honour his promise and deliver his next lesson to me, but I fear that Luke may have taken the reigns from Leonard for this final lesson. I miss Luke so very much and thoughts of him cloud every second of my day. I understand now that he is more extraordinary than I had ever realised. His body is beautiful but his immortal soul is the most precious lapis on this earth. It is as perfectly preserved as my rose and it will never wither and die. I have been blessed by him and I will grow more like him each day because my soul has been anointed with his celestial blood. And the current separation between us is part of the educational process; Luke is demonstrating, albeit in the cruellest way, the significance of our relationship and the physical cost of our separation. But this lesson is becoming increasingly harder to bear - the pains are worsening by the day and I am losing weight dramatically, I am constantly thirsty, the skin on my chest and arms is sallow and cold and I cannot get warm, but I have my strength and I am not feverish and so I know that I am not ill. I realise that I have a dependency on Luke, aside from our love for each other, that needs attending to.