Alex and I are arguing again. It is entirely my fault, I admit it. I
just can't focus on our relationship at the moment. I am distracted by a number
of things; the start of my postgraduate course, my work with Leonard, my physical
and emotional attachments to Luke and the fact that I am finding myself
increasingly disgusted by Alex. I find everything about him disgusting; the way
he eats, the way he breathes, the way he laughs, absolutely everything. But if
truth be told it's not just Alex, I feel disgusted by most people that I
encounter now. They are slovenly, stupid and greedy and I honestly don’t know whether
I will be able to tolerate their company for much longer. I could quite happily
lock myself away and never speak to another living soul again. All that I care about are my visits to
Leonard, Luke's emails and the brief exchanges that Luke and I share together.
I had anticipated that Leonard would insist on taking a break when I
started my postgraduate course, but instead he has suggested that I bring my
research materials to our sessions so that I can continue to study while at the
house. Combining the two activities will no doubt prove difficult, particularly
since I am hiding the subject matter of my research from him, but I will try my
hardest to make it work. Luke is being extremely protective of me and he asks
how I am feeling every second of the day. He even walked me to my bus stop on Thursday
afternoon! I must confess that I am enjoying being the focal point of his
attention and the poem that he sent this morning is particularly affectionate
too…
In Adamantine
Chains
There was a battle and our sweet love was lost
To the sickening decay, the cold and the frost
Of a cruel lover’s heart and with fates above
We died with the dawn in the tomb of our love.
My soul was then tossed between heaven and hell,
I saw you on earth and to reach you I fell.
You cried to the heavens and swore to be free
‘No man shall have me, no man but he’.
There will never be church bells for you or I
For now you have torn out my heart and my eye.
Physicians tend to me, yet I pass them by,
I’d bleed for you gladly
And suffer
And die.
To the sickening decay, the cold and the frost
Of a cruel lover’s heart and with fates above
We died with the dawn in the tomb of our love.
My soul was then tossed between heaven and hell,
I saw you on earth and to reach you I fell.
You cried to the heavens and swore to be free
‘No man shall have me, no man but he’.
There will never be church bells for you or I
For now you have torn out my heart and my eye.
Physicians tend to me, yet I pass them by,
I’d bleed for you gladly
And suffer
And die.
The poem is accompanied by a single photograph: The Red Portrait. I do
not recognise anything of myself in this picture and it upsets me greatly to
look at it, so I have asked Luke to stop sending copies of Leonard’s photographs
to me.
