Phew, this has been a busy week! Ok, to begin...
The graduation ceremony and
my birthday went well and both occasions were very enjoyable indeed. I found it
heart-breaking to say my final goodbyes to my fellow undergraduate students but
we've promised to keep in touch and hopefully a reunion will be on the cards in
a few years’ time. The celebratory night out that followed was a mixed bag of
emotions and, in hindsight, a quiet night in with Alex would have been a far more
preferable option. It was a pacifier for Amber really; she arrived at my flat late
on Monday evening and presented me with my birthday present and asked if I had
made plans to celebrate my birthday and/or graduation. Amber is always
desperate for an excuse to head into town as she is on all the best mailing
lists and her letterbox is regularly stuffed with club fliers, drinks offers
and invites to launch nights. Even when her boyfriend Graham is DJ-ing she
would much prefer to sit on her own in the corner of a club with a jug of cheap
cocktail and wait for him to finish his DJ set than sit alone at home. So it
came as no surprise when she presented me with a flier entitling the bearer and
three guests to free entry to a venue in the centre of town called The Demeter Club and she begged me to
take advantage of the opportunity to celebrate both my birthday and my
graduation at the same time. To be honest I was hoping that my birthday would
pass by with minimal fuss this year (particularly given my poor health at the
moment) but rejecting Amber’s proposal would have led to all kinds of unnecessary
aggravation and so I agreed to go to the club on Wednesday night after my
graduation ceremony because Alex was available to join us that evening and partying
on the Tuesday night ran the potential risk of seeing me arrive at my degree
congregation the next morning with a raging hangover…
I knew that the night was off
to a bad start when we couldn't find the club. The tiny map on the corner of
the flier directed us to an imposing-looking, concrete building with no windows
or signs and we almost walked straight past it, but there was something odd about
the place that made me hesitate for a second. The building was surrounded by burly
security men, there were several strange
symbols engraved onto the glass
panels on either side of the main entrance and the glass panel above the door bore
an engraving of a dragon-like creature swallowing its own tail. I was intrigued
by the building and, since we had been wandering aimlessly around the neighbourhood
for quite some time, I suggested that we approached the security guards and made
enquiries about the location of the club.
Amber stepped up and accosted them with her usual flirty charms and it
transpired that there was a bar inside the building and The Demeter Club was located on the lower floor beneath
the bar, so we were allowed inside and instructed to show the flier to a member
of staff who would point us in the right direction.
One of the security guards took
hold of the large brass handle on the door and hauled it towards himself like
opening the heavy door of a bank vault and we were immediately met with the
sound of loud music and chatter. I did not expect to find so much activity
taking place behind such a mundane looking façade and the interior of the
building was surprisingly modern given the drabness of the exterior - lots of
clean glass surfaces, sharply angled aluminium fixtures and blue neon lighting.
My eye was immediately drawn to an enormous, glass-shelved bar against the only
window on the rear wall of the building and every once in a while a car
headlight from the street outside would shine through the bottles on the
shelves and illuminate them in a mesmerizing array of colours. It was clearly a
very popular venue but the room was much smaller than I had anticipated and the
heavy security presence outside was massively out of proportion to the overall
size of the establishment.
An overweight Afro-Caribbean
man in a dark green suit greeted us as we entered and so Amber flashed the
flier at him and he directed us towards a spiral staircase to the right of the
entrance. It was all very exciting and I felt like a V.I.P. - even the
staircase was decked out with a plush red carpet for our arrival! The lights
and the noise from the bar faded away as we made our descent down the staircase
and we continued down the stairs until we were walking in almost pitch darkness
and I had to grip tightly onto the handrail for fear that I would lose my footing
in the dark (there were blue neon light-fittings on the walls of the staircase that
were very pretty indeed but they flickered intermittently and provided very
little lighting, particularly on the floor where it was needed the most). At
the bottom of the staircase was a dingy-looking corridor that resembled a
service corridor in a restaurant and for a moment I thought that we had taken a
wrong turn and wandered into an unused underground basement. It wasn’t the
cleanest of places; the white walls were covered with brown stains, the lino
flooring felt sticky underfoot and the florescent strip lights buzzed very
loudly. I nervously suggested that we returned to the bar but Amber was adamant
that we were heading in the right direction, so I clung tightly onto Alex’s arm
as we ventured further into the darkness. Thankfully, only moments later the
muffled sound of music and voices indicated that there were people nearby and then,
to my relief, a red-orange glow of light appeared on the wall ahead of us and
we emerged into a large room.
I heard Amber draw a sharp breath
in surprise when we saw the club for the first time. Never before had I seen
such a decadently decorated room and my immediate thought was that the drinks
must be very expensive! The decor resembled an exclusive restaurant or gentleman’s
club and it was in complete contrast to the minimalistic and
contemporary-styled venue upstairs. The ceiling was extraordinarily high given that
we were underground and in its centre was a magnificently ornate crystal
chandelier that bathed the entire room in a glittering, golden glow. Smaller
chandeliers were dotted around the ceiling at various points to cast their
glimmering light into the darker corners of the room and large mirrors in
elaborate gold frames populated the upper section of the walls, which seemed
odd as they served only to reflect the light from the chandeliers. The walls
were painted dusky pink with gold panelling and every last inch of available wall
space was crowded with old portraits in oval mahogany frames, many of which were
too dark or dusty to determine the faces of the subjects. Rather than the
obligatory dance-floor in the centre of the room, the entire room was carpeted
in a plush maroon carpet and various pieces of antique furniture were scattered
around, including a number of shabby leather armchairs and small, ornately
carved tables with orange votive candles in the centre. Although the volume of
the music was just as loud as the venue upstairs, it had a heavier, industrial beat
that was much more sedate than the generic dance music that had greeted us on
our arrival in the bar upstairs, which suggested that the patrons of the club preferred
to sit and relax rather than drink and dance. And from a quick glance around
the room I could see that the clientele were a very exclusive crowd. For
instance, seated near to us on a brown leather sofa was a tall, thin women with
long, glossy black hair and beside her was a short, exceptionally tanned
gentleman dressed in a smart dinner jacket and holding the smallest glass of ruby
red port that I had ever seen. There was an air of a hotel or private
membership club about the place but fortunately we had dressed appropriately and
so we blended in perfectly.
We made
our way over the bar, which was very impressive in itself. The mahogany wood counter
was so highly polished that I could almost see my reflection in it and the
entire back wall was mirrored, which I always find off-putting when ordering
drinks. The beers were all bottled, the wine list was exhaustive (the
availability of several fine wines surprised me greatly) and the cocktail list
was very comprehensive indeed. I was fascinated by the bottles on display
behind the bar as they were a hotchpotch of different sizes, shapes and colours
and resembled an old apothecary shop display; the bottles on the top shelf were
extremely dusty and the labels looked hand-painted, two tall red bottles stood to
attention at the very front of the shelves like two proud soldiers, four green bottles
containing stems of preserved herbs or some other kind of plant matter were
situated on either side of the antique brass cash register and there was a
small blue bottle on the bottom shelf that was so tiny that I wondered what on
earth it could possibly contain.
Amber
struggled with her drink order for some time in the absence of her usual cheap
vodka shots and while I awaited her decision I spotted a round honey-coloured
bottle directly in front of me that made me smile. Armagnac. Leonard’s tipple
of choice to mark the end of a productive day. And how unusual to find our
favourite 'eau de vie’ on display in such a prominent place. I promptly ordered a small Armagnac
for myself (the entire group gave me such a strange look) and looked for a
quiet corner in which to hide ourselves. Alex became annoyed upon discovering
that the barman did not stock his favourite beer and I heard him comment to
Graham that the club was not his scene and we should move on elsewhere, but fortunately
Graham convinced him to stay for a few more drinks (the music was fairly loud but
I could hear every part of their conversation, maybe the peace and quiet in
Elmfield House is improving my hearing!). Alex reluctantly agreed, but he was terribly
unhappy and he complained repeatedly that the regulars were eyeing us
suspiciously. I must confess that I also experienced an occasional twinge of paranoia,
however once we had our drinks in-hand I began to feel very comfortable in the
room. In fact, as the evening progressed I felt quite at home. I don’t recall drinking
more than one or two drinks but I do remember feeling very intoxicated at an embarrassingly
early stage of the evening and grabbing Amber’s hand, dragging her out of our
corner and insisting that she danced with me. I must have been dancing quite provocatively
because I vaguely remember Alex warning me that I was making quite a show of
myself and then later hearing him complain that I was pawing at him and my
public displays of affection were humiliating him. Even Amber commented on how
outrageous and confident I was acting which, coming from her, was very sobering
indeed. I think I even flirted with Graham at one point; I’m not quite sure
what possessed me!
I was deeply engrossed in a loud and unashamedly drunken conversation
with Graham when Amber shouted in my ear and asked if I would accompany her to
the ladies toilets. The room was rapidly filling up with people and I was
reluctant to surrender my perfectly positioned spot by the bar, but before I
could reply she had a tight grip of my wrist and I was being led away from the
group. My balance was seriously impaired and I negotiated - or rather stumbled
- my way through the crowd with great difficulty, convinced that everyone was deliberately
bumping into me and glaring angrily at them and as Amber led me deeper into the
centre of the room I was sucked further and further into the tightening
quicksand of sweaty limbs and grotesquely beautified faces, but I had become a
confident drunk at that point and I refused to yield to the crushing weight of
bodies that squeezed against me, choosing instead to fight my way amongst them,
knocking drinks into the air and causing people to curse us as we forced our
way between them. I deliberately avoided eye-contact as I pushed between body
after body, but when one tall figure brushed past me I was seized by an
overwhelming feeling of recognition that stopped me dead in my tracks. In the split
second that we made contact I recognised him. Luke. I think it was his smell or
maybe a touch that he gave me as he passed by. I honestly can’t remember. I
swear it was Luke. In fact I was so convinced that I almost shouted out his
name. I searched the faces around me for another glimpse of him but Amber had a
tight grasp on my wrist and she was dragging me along so forcefully that we
were both quickly swallowed up by the crowd.
Perhaps it was the comforting thought of Luke’s presence or it was just
the cold, harsh fluorescent lighting of the ladies toilets that had an
instantly sobering effect on me and brought the entire evening into
perspective. As I stood in the ladies toilets waiting for Amber my mind began
to race with thoughts of Luke. I missed him so very much and I secretly hoped
that he was in the room somewhere, just watching, as always. But Alex was
waiting at the bar and if Luke was in the same room then that would certainly have
made for a very uncomfortable meeting. And the more that I thought about Luke
the more I understood why I had been behaving so outrageously all night; I
suspected that the Armagnac was more potent than I was accustomed to or someone
had spiked my drink, but then, on further reflection, I realised that my
behaviour had been typically ‘Luke-like’ all evening and I was exhibiting all the
rebellious, sexually aggressive and narcissistic aspects of his personality that I detested – and admired – so much about
him. I was not imitating Luke, I was becoming like him.
I spent the remainder of the evening propped up against the bar and desperately
searching the crowd to catch sight of Luke - I even feigned interest in a portrait
hanging on the wall next to the men’s toilets and persuaded the group to move
closer to it in the vain hope that he might eventually need to relief himself!
But I did not see him again and, if I’m honest, I’m not entirely convinced that
I saw him in the first place. My mind has been playing these kinds of strange tricks
on me recently. Alex became annoyed by my odd and erratic behaviour and he reprimanded
me several times for being either too distant or too flirtatious, then around two
o’clock in the morning he insisted that we left the club and returned home (well,
he threatened to leave and recommended that I followed him). I was reluctant to
leave at first but Amber and Graham agreed that the night had run its course
and we should make our way home, so we left the club and headed out towards the
main street to find a taxi.
Stepping out from any bar or
club into the centre of town in the early hours of the morning is like stepping
into Hell itself. Streams of people negotiate the perilous journey from one
club to the next and the long queues outside popular venues often run the entire
length of the street, leaving very little room on the pavement and forcing the
crowds to spill out into the gutter. Taxis cruise up and down looking for fares
and cars crammed with young men race along the street, honking their horns and
braking violently to shout abuse at the drunken women tottering along the
pavement. Amber has always been comfortable with this type of nightlife and so
she and Graham pushed on ahead of us towards the thumping music coming from the
main street. Alex and I were following behind and we had almost caught up with
them when, for no particular reason that I can recall, I glanced behind. There
was a man walking a short distance behind us. He caught my eye because he was
not a typical late-night reveller; he appeared to be in his sixties, he was quite
broad-set with shoulder-length dishevelled grey hair and he was wearing an
equally unkempt dark grey suit. Walking home alone late at night has made me
wary of this type of suspicious figure, but I felt safe alongside Alex and so I
paid him little attention and picked up my pace to keep up with the rest of the
group.
The main street was as chaotic as I expected and our pace slowed
considerably when we met with the large volume of clubbers, many of whom appeared
to be students also celebrating their graduation. It was essential that the
group kept closely together in order to avoid being accosted by drunks or club
staff distributing leaflets and so I began walking faster to keep up with Alex,
all the while stealing an occasional glimpse of the man following behind. The
man was at a reasonable distance from us but he was gaining ground quickly and there
was an air of determination in his increasing speed and fixed stare that
unnerved me and filled the pit of my stomach with a heavy sense of dread. More
people stepped into my path and for a second I lost sight of Alex’s jacket which
caused me to panic. Although only a few feet away from my closest friends, I felt
tremendously isolated and vulnerable and I was gripped by a fear that I have
not experienced since I was a young child; it was the absolutely terrifying,
nightmarish feeling of being chased.
Alex, Amber and Graham were pushing steadily ahead of me through the
crowds and I realised that I would not be heard if I was to shout to them and so,
riddled with panic and in a desperate bid to catch up with the group, I stepped
off the pavement and into the gutter. Cars whipped past me, their headlights
throwing my shadow across the tarmac and when I glanced over my shoulder
towards the approaching traffic I could see the silhouette of the man framed in
bright car headlights as he fought his way through the crowd. My mind was
screaming for someone to help me but I realised that no-one was going to
intervene and so I calmed myself and mumbled a few words that I had read in The Omega Course in the vain hope that
something or someone – Luke, or Daniel perhaps - might hear me and come to my
aid. It was a desperate act, but if there was anything that I could do to protect
myself then I would try it.
I hesitate to say that there
was an immediate response to my plea because I was in an extremely drunken and emotional
state at that point in the evening. The intoxicating effects of the alcohol
combined with my physical exhaustion and the emotional strength that I took
from thinking about Daniel may have contributed to the physical and psychological
transformations that I experienced directly after saying these words, but nevertheless
my focus seemed to clear and I was enveloped by a discernible warmth that wrapped
itself around me like a blanket. The comforting feeling of security reminded me
of times when, as a child, I would pull the bedcovers over my head to protect
myself from scary noises during the night; I knew that the scary monsters were
still in my room but I was hidden and protected beneath the covers. In a
similar way, my awareness of the man chasing behind me was not entirely eliminated,
but this sense of reassurance served to steel my nerves and subdue the panic
that was threatening to overwhelm me.
As I contemplated the source
of this new-found strength, I felt another emotion beginning to stir deep
inside me. It was the overconfident and outrageous bravado that I had been
wallowing in all night, but it was a thousand times more powerful than I had experienced
previously in the club. I could feel myself growing in confidence and becoming progressively
hostile to everyone around me and I was possessed by a feeling of playful
mischievousness and childish provocation that goaded me to grab hold of
passers-by, although I did not understand why. I resisted this temptation
because I could sense the familiar stirrings of uncontrollable brutality that were
brooding just beneath the surface of my skin and I did not trust myself. Fortunately
I succeeded in diverting my attention away from my fellow revellers and towards
my pursuer and, as my unhealthiest of appetites hit a dangerously high point, I
was possessed by an overwhelming urge to turn and confront him.
“My desire is greater, old man. I will not be hunted...”
I
was only seconds from turning and making a stand against the stranger when Alex
came up alongside me, made a wisecrack about my potential as road-kill and hauled
me back onto the pavement, wrapping his arm around me and helping me to
negotiate the oncoming crowd. I clung to him and buried my head in his chest,
half expecting the man to place his hand on Alex’s shoulder or to pass us by.
But he didn’t catch up with us. And in my heightened state of bravery I didn’t
much care if he did.
